Trauma is an emotional and psychological response to distressing or disturbing events that overwhelm a person’s ability to cope, often involving threats to life, safety, or wellbeing. It’s not just a mental experience — trauma affects the entire body and nervous system. Therapist Con Healy has experienced trauma. Here are his suggestions for processing trauma.
By Conal Healy
We all knew she was dying.
She knew she was dying.
And then she died. The cancer killed her.
Despite knowing she was dying, the loss of my best friend of nearly 40 years, overwhelmed me.
Following the her death, I began to experience trauma.
This presented (to borrow a definition) as “persistent sadness, numbness, anxiety, fear, guilt, intense anger, or extreme longing for the partner”. It lasted for months, maybe years.
Traumatic bereavement, involves intense and sometimes disruptive emotional, psychological, and physical reactions that go beyond typical grief responses.
This may manifest as symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress, depression, or prolonged (complicated) grief, especially when the loss is sudden or accompanied by distressing circumstances.
People may have difficulty accepting the reality of the loss and struggle with a disrupted sense of identity and meaning in life.
Intrusive memories, nightmares, or persistent rumination about the partner and their death are common. Some may avoid reminders of their spouse, withdraw socially, and isolate themselves, making it hard to resume normal life.
Yep, this was me.
How do you begin to process this level of trauma?
The short answer is … when you are ready.
Processing trauma is tough. Not for the faint of heart.
When people are processing trauma, self-reflective questions can serve as powerful tools for healing and understanding. Here are evidence-based questions organised by different aspects of trauma processing that can facilitate safe exploration and growth.
Safety and Grounding Questions
These foundational questions help establish emotional safety before deeper exploration:
What is going on in my experience right now?
Where do I feel this emotion in my body?
What support do I need to feel safe when exploring these feelings?
How can I feel safe in the present moment after this difficult experience?
What boundaries do I need to maintain when discussing painful experiences?
Understanding Trauma’s Impact
Questions that help identify how trauma has shaped current patterns and responses:
What experience still affects me today, and how?
How does my body react when I think about a painful memory?
What coping mechanisms did I develop in response to trauma?
What behaviors or patterns do I engage in to protect myself from getting hurt again?
How has my trauma shaped my relationships with others?
What beliefs do I hold about myself that stem from past hurt?
Processing and Meaning-Making Questions
These questions facilitate deeper processing and integration:
What is this part of me trying to communicate?
What does this feeling need from me?
How do I distinguish between feeling triggered and feeling upset?
Do I experience flashbacks or intrusive thoughts? If so, what triggers them?
How do I manage feelings of guilt or shame connected to my trauma?
What would healing look like for me in terms of letting go of past pain?
Growth and Resilience Questions
Questions that identify strengths and promote post-traumatic growth:
In what ways have I grown stronger from my past experiences?
What are some positive ways I’ve learned to cope with the impact of my trauma?
What are the signs that I am healing from past wounds?
How do I feel when others offer support or empathy regarding my trauma?
What does forgiveness mean to me – of yourself and others?
Values and Purpose Questions
These trauma-informed questions help reconnect with core values and meaning:
Underneath all of this, what am I really committed to?
What in my life right now isn’t serving me well?
What would be different if I were different in this situation?
If I had unlimited time and resources, what would I do?
The Four-Step Compassionate Inquiry Process
Dr. Gabor Maté’s approach provides a structured framework for self-exploration:
Notice & Name: Acknowledge the feeling and locate it in your body
Stay & Be Curious: Gently ask what this part of you needs or believes
Listen with Compassion: Receive any answers, images, or memories without judgment
Respond with Kindness: Offer yourself a gesture of care or comforting phrase
Important Safety Considerations
Research shows that structured self-reflection can significantly improve mental health outcomes, including reduced depression and anxiety. However, trauma processing requires careful attention to safety:
Start with 2-3 questions per session to avoid overwhelm.
Focus on “what” rather than “why” to stay grounded in present experience.
Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist for significant trauma.
Trust that answers may come as sensations, images, or gentle knowing rather than immediate intellectual responses.
These questions serve as gentle invitations to explore inner experiences with compassion and curiosity, supporting the healing journey while maintaining emotional safety and promoting post-traumatic growth.
Do you need help to process your trauma?
Contact: Wisdom with Whiskers Counselling on 0438 559 515.
Email: wisdomwithwhiskers@gmail.com
