These entries begin shortly after Anna’s funeral and cremation in July 2016. They are based on text messages, email and journal entries. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.
September 17: Anna died 81 days ago. Her ashes are sitting on a small table in the sitting room. The kitchen calendar is still on June – time hasn’t moved on in my household? (Have to stop writing now, the tears are welling up. Got to think of something else. Got to distract myself.)
September 20: I am holidays from work. And I’m being productive. For the last three days I’ve been getting out for 5-6km walks – taking lots of photos too. The weather has been perfect. Since Saturday, I’ve had coffee and cake with former work mates (they are “checking in” with me, God bless them). I do my household chores (change and wash the bed linen) and go out for a few hours. Come home and read a book.
I’m having a digital detox – so I’m only using my smart phone for calls and as a pedometer. I was spending too much time of Instagram and Facebook.
I resolved to do something, I got hundreds of photos printed out (this was dating back four months), then I got the Facebook screen grabs printed … and started to fill in the gaps in the journals that I’d left blank. I am creating a legacy, something people can read and remember how amazing Anna was.
Yes, the tears welled up, but I took it slowly and took regular breaks. I got the job done and now I don’t have to worry about those unresolved issues not being dealt with.
I am still talking around Anna. Still can’t write about her. And yes, the calendar is still stuck on June.
Yes, I do say good morning to her smile photo each morning (and asks if she wants a cup of tea). And yes, writing those short sentences are making my eyes water.
I am slowly starting to re-build my life. I am forcing myself to smile at people when I am out for my walks, I force myself to talk to complete strangers.
Next year? I might take up a night course at the local technical college. I might take up a short cooking course. Learn tai chi. Learn to swim? Learn to surf? Travel more and take more photos. Those are the outlines of a plan for 2017.
September 25: Find notes that Anna had left for our son. They reduce me to tears.
Was listening to a song which had a line that resonated: “Staying put means I’m taking two steps back, so I must keep going forward to make progress”. The pain is still there, so is the grief but I am marching forward.
September 26: The household laundry is a laundry again. When Anna came out of Palliative Care (in March 2016) we had converted the laundry into a makeshift shower for her. We moved the washing machine in the back garden for a few months, it was out of a weather, under an awning. I was told this is a popular thing in Hong Kong. Today, the washing machine has returned from its garden vacation and is back in place. This is another step forward.
September 27: Cycled to work. Posted my 3000th photo to Instagram. Got 2000 Likes for a weekend selection.
October 3 : Anna’s ashes are still downstairs on a small table where I have gathered a few aide-memoire items – photos, phone, paint brushes, notebook and her puzzle books, things to remind me of Anna. The kids are calling it Anna’s Altar.
The ashes are in two urns. One half of Anna’s remains will be interred here in Australia (Anna’s second home), the other urn is accompanied by paperwork which will allow us to take the ashes out of the country, onto a plane and on to Dublin, Ireland.
Look out for …
Grief is different for everyone. It can include many emotional and physical symptoms, including:
Feelings: Anger, anxiety, blame, confusion, denial, depression, fear, guilt, irritability, loneliness, numbness, relief, sadness, shock, or yearning.
Thoughts: Confusion, difficulty concentrating, disbelief, hallucinations, or preoccupation with what was lost.
Physical sensations: Dizziness, fast heartbeat, fatigue, headaches, hyperventilating, nausea or upset stomach, shortness of breath, tightness or heaviness in the throat or chest, or weight loss or gain.
Behaviors: Crying spells, excessive activity, irritability or aggression, loss of energy, loss of interest in enjoyable activities, restlessness, or trouble sleeping.
