These entries begin shortly after Anna’s funeral and cremation in July 2016. They are based on text messages, email and journal entries. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.
October 13
I woke up this morning feeling on top of the world. I felt invincible. I really did. And since then … I’ve been really good. Still. Why? Because I felt I was making progress. Jobs that had lived on my weekly To-Do list for weeks were gone.
The garage is sorted, the carpets clean, the house safe from deadly spiders, ants and cockroaches for another year.
Last week, I also dropped in my old computer (that had died in May) to a data recovery expert and he reckoned he could recover 99% of the files – so I have copies of documents and photos from Anna’s final months with us which were lost when the PC failed.
So when I saw My Male Psychologist today I greeted him with a beaming smile and two pages of achievements.
These achievements included:
* Sticking to five standard drinks per week, no matter how bad I felt or how bad I needed a drink.
* My annual check-up revealed I didn’t have bowel cancer. (My annual health check-up in September said my prostate was fine, my good cholesterol level was good, my bad cholesterol needed to be improved.)
* I was back cycling on my bike – doing 4-7km per day. (The first time I climbed onto my bike after Anna’s death stemmed from a sense of desperation. I was feeling numb emotionally. I jumped on my mountain bike and cycled hard and long, almost to the point of vomiting. I got off the bike after 10kms and enjoyed a faint dopamine hit, felt the sweat on my skin and realized I was still alive. Still.)
* Forcing myself to smile/talk to strangers.
* Mobile phone now spends nights downstairs, so I don’t check it during the night, so I am sleeping better.
* Cleaning the house.
* Not taking valium in two months. (In July I’d take half a valium at night to get to sleep.)
* Keeping a track of my crying, and knowing it is okay to cry.
* Making plans for the future.
* I am reading books more, watching TV less.
* I still have Anna’s mobile phone plugged in and re-charged. I check it every few days in case somebody calls/texts.
Most of the modifications we made to the house – for Anna – have been reversed. The shower in the laundry is gone. The “bedroom” – that was Anna’s for those four month – is long gone, is back to being a lounge room.
My Male Psychologist was impressed with my Instagram-based photo gallery, @Mick_in_the_Middle. This year 160,000 people have Liked the photos I upload daily.
I started the gallery a few years earlier. Before Anna got sick. Over the years I used the gallery as a distraction, my break away from caring for Anna. My self care, for a few minutes each day.
I also told My Male Psychologist how I had joined an online social network for people with depression. I filled out the profile. Told part of my story – PTSD and Grief – interacted with groups over a three week period (in September) … and then de-activated my account.
For me the site was really for people with serious depression – I have grief.
My Male Psychologist and I both smiled. For the next session he wants me to plan my future. He obviously isn’t wanting the grass to grow under my feet.
As for my grief?
“When you are ready your mind will deal with it” said My Male Psychologist. His fear was that I was “bottling everything up”, locking it away.
My Male Psychologist is happy with my progress. The rundown of the recent events in my life – that took 20 mins, we spent another 20 minutes talking about those events … and the last 20 mins was just filling time.
He told me: “You are well on your way to leading a meaningful life”.
I told him: “That sound dreadful. How will I recognize it. I’ve never had one.”
We both laughed.
Path to improved well being
There is no “right” way to grieve. Everyone is different. Give yourself time to experience your loss in your own way. At the same time, remember to take care of yourself.
Feel your loss. Allow yourself to cry, to feel numb, to be angry, or to feel however you’re feeling.
Attend to your physical needs. Get enough sleep, eat a well-balanced diet, and exercise regularly.
Express your feelings. Talk about how you’re feeling with others. Or find a creative way to let your feelings out.
Maintain a routine. Get back into your normal routine as soon as you can. Try to keep up with your daily tasks so you don’t get overwhelmed.
Avoid drinking alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant that can affect your mood, so it could make you feel even more sad.
Avoid making major decisions. It takes time to adjust to a loss and get back to a normal state of mind.
Give yourself a break. Take breaks from grieving by participating in activities you enjoy. It’s okay to not feel sad all the time. It’s good for you to laugh.
Ask for help if you need it. You don’t have to struggle. Seek out friends, family, clergy, a counselor or therapist, or support groups.
There is no set timetable for grief. You may start to feel better in six to eight weeks, but the whole process can last anywhere from six months to four years.
