These entries begin days after Anna’s funeral and cremation in July 2016. They are based on text messages, email and journal entries. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.
August 20, 2016: Go for a walk by the ocean. Have forced myself to talk to people, complete strangers. Forcing myself to interact with others. I know being stuck inside myself is not healthy. Saying “G’day” to people on my morning walk is me stepping out of my Comfort Zone. Me trying to re-connect with the world. This is me moving forward.
August 21: Move washing machine from garden back into laundry. When we had converted the laundry into a shower for Anna, and moved the washing machine into the back yard, it was under an awning. We called it the Hong Kong solution. Now, six months ago later, the washing machine is back indoors. It is another step forward.
August 23: Agonizing over the thousands of photos I have taken during Anna’s final months. They are on camera’s SD cards (having copied them to the PC) … I can’t bring myself to wipe the original images on the SD cards. I place them in a ziplock plastic bag and put them in the safe. They will be there for posterity.
August 25: I was told there is a formula for the recovery from the death of a spouse. Apparently the recovery time is half the time that the relationship existed.
Seeing as I started dating Anna in 1978 and we were together almost 40 years. Well, it will be 20 years before I recover. Yep, I’ll be 76 old by then. Must remember to mark it on the calendar.
September 3: I am so low/depressed that even My Son notices: “You are copying me – only giving one word replies”. I tell him about my 12-14 hour days – working, cleaning, cooking and chores. This has been my life for weeks.
Somebody has likened us as being like two bears in a cave.
We are more like hedgehogs – the spikes go up when things get bad. When I able to “keep it together” we are fine – I have the energy to reach out an help him.
On the bad days – yes we are still getting them – I don’t have the energy to help … So we withdraw, like bears. We don’t get angry… Just remote. Removed.
We both know we are handling a very difficult situation… In our own way. And probably handling it badly too.
September 3: My GP wants me to cut back my drinks, she wants me down to five standard drinks a week. My favourite tipple, a standard bottle of Merlot wine, has eight standard drinks and which I can drink in one night. I know drinking is an escape, me blocking out the world. Cutting back on the alcohol would be another step forward.
The world seems beige. Lacking contrast. Lacking flavor. Feels almost empty.
Conal Healy, Grief survivor
September 3: How do I feel? There is still a lot of pain there. Again, I still can’t think too long about Anna before the tears come. The world seems beige. Lacking contrast. Lacking flavour. Feels almost empty. (Have to stop writing – the tears are welling and there is a dryness in my throat.)
September 5: Work on my – and Anna’s – annual tax return. I sorted receipts, paperwork …got distracted, procrastinated and walked away. As I trawl through receipts from the previous tax year (looking for deductions) I see the places where I took Anna for morning tea, for coffee and cake. I notice the visits to the chemist to buy medication. And then the cost of the funeral. They are a reminder of the hell of those final months. I walk away from the mountain of receipts in tears. Get a cup of tea and return to the paperwork sorting. It takes days, but it got done.
September 6: I went to see My Male Psychologist. I rattled off the progress I had made. I talked about going for walks, taking photos, my ever-growing Instagram account.
And we talked about grief.
I keep trying to find ways to describe what is happening to me, how grief is impacting me. I was reminded about how scientists study Black Holes in space. They can’t see a Black Hole – so they look for the effects that Black Holes cause, disjointed gravity fields etc.
Back in October it was the same with my grief – if I felt it is impacting other parts of my life, I tackled it.
For example, I noticed I was starting to get reluctant about opening any of my journals from the previous four months. I realized that my mind was finding it too hard to deal with the notes that I made at the time. They were too painful.
This was new aspect of my grief, I realized. I resolved to do something.
I got hundreds of photos printed out (this was dating back for months), then I got the facebook screen grabs printed … and started to fill in the gaps in the journals that I’d left blank. Yes, the tears welled up, but I took it slowly and took regular breaks. I got the job done and now I don’t have to worry about those unresolved issues not being dealt with.
I was still talking around Anna. Still couldn’t write about her. And yes, the calendar is still stuck on June. Yes, I do say Good Morning to her smiling photo each morning (and ask if she wants a cup of tea). And yes, writing those short sentences was making my eyes water.
I am moving forward.
Re-construct your life
Exercise regularly, maintain healthy sleep habits, and eat a healthy diet.
Use alcohol and any other substances in moderation.
Take time to do the activities which you have always enjoyed, even if at the moment, the experience seems empty.
When you feel ready, create new structures and routines.
Give yourself permission to do things where you don’t feel and think about your loss. It is okay to have some respite from the painful thoughts and feelings.
Remember to tune in and see what you need through your journey of grieving. There is no right or wrong way to feel, our feelings just are what they are.
www.relationshipswa.org.au
