These entries begin two days after Anna’s funeral and cremation in June 2016. They are based on text messages, email and journal entries written at the time. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.
August 18, 2016
TERRIBLE Thursday – It was an Eight Cry Day. The morning started at 4am and me at my computer keyboard. A whole lot of thoughts has been swirling around my mind for weeks – a sure sign it was time for me to write them down.
I figured I could hang them around a framework that would distill what has been happen to me over the past eight weeks … since Anna died.
My brain might have been ready to re-visit those dark days, my soul and heart weren’t.
Over the weeks, dealing with The Bastard Grief, I have developed coping mechanism.
I don’t think about Anna, but I can get away of thinking about that grey space around Anna – where the pain isn’t too bad. It is like having a bad tooth pulled …. And checking the progress by exploring the cavity with your tongue.
It soon became clear that I couldn’t write about what has been happening – even with all my coping mechanisms in place. By the time I realized this … it was too late. Whatever progress I had made throughout July and August was swept away.
I realised that I have moved on from Anna’s death. I thought I was at Square Four and crying kicked me back to Square 1. In fact, I felt like I was back at Square 2. I know what I had to do and how to cope. I now know how to play the Grief Snakes and Ladders Game.
Conal Healy, Grief Survivor
Once again I was crying those Grief Tears, the hot acid tears that flowed after Anna’s death. Those are soul destroying bastards.
By 8am I just wanted to crawl back to bed and sleep. But I had to start work at 8.30pm. I went to work (from home) and would break down in tears at my keyboard across the day.
How did I deal with this mongrel shit of a day? Wine glass, had chocolate, ice-cream, some painkillers a warm shower and went to bed at 10pm.
Both the kids are having had nightmares about Anna. I am too. Am taking the antidepressant Endep and valium to sleep at night. And – unsurprisingly – the drugs are not really working.
I realised that I have moved on from Anna’s death.
I thought I was at Square Four of the Grief Snakes and Ladders Game. The crying kicked me back to Square 1.
In fact, I knew I was back at Square 2. I knew what I had to do and how to cope. I now know how to play the Grief Snakes and Ladders Game.
Woke up the next morning feeling better. A lot better.
This morning I had a moment of clarity – I realized: Anna hadn’t died, the cancer had killed her.
She fought that bastard right until the end but there was little she could do when Death joined forces with Cancer. It would be like fighting against a rising tide.
I got to finish work early, got to the beach and went for a walk at sunset. Very peaceful.
