With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, people may start to think romantically. Are you looking for love? Is love looking for you? Is somebody flirting with you? Wendy L. Patrick looks at flirting and discovers it not what a person say … it it how they say it.
By Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D.
MOST people have been there. Surprised at the sudden or unexpected attention bestowed by a friend, neighbor, or co-worker, you wonder what it means. No one wants to jump to the wrong conclusion.
But is there a good way of determining whether an acquaintance is flirting or just friendly?
Research has some answers.
Sometimes, an acquaintance makes a statement that, while not a “come on,” is definitely an unsolicited compliment — about something personal, not professional. They are apparently impressed not by your aptitude but by your appearance.
Or are they?
Not wanting to overanalyze or jump to conclusions, you can’t help but wonder if your friend, neighbor, or co-worker is interested in getting to know you better.
But when attempting to decipher ambiguous messages, context matters.
Research sheds some light on the delicate dance of discerning and detecting signs of flirtation.
Jennifer A. Wade (2018) reviewed flirtation research, which she notes has largely been examined from a socio-cognitive perspective and has prioritized self-reports as opposed to overt behavior.
She begins with the usual definition of “flirtation,” which she notes refers to behavior that includes words, body language, or physical contact designed to initiate or maintain romance or a physical relationship.
Yet she recognizes the ambiguity — what type of behavior is actually flirtatious?
After all, we know people who are just friendly and often misunderstood. Wade dives deeper into the analysis, focusing on the power of words.
In addition to proposing a behavior-analytic perspective to flirtation, Wade highlighted the importance of autoclitics — characteristics of a verbal response that impact the way a listener reacts to the rest of the verbalization. In other words, how something is said is an important aspect of the effectiveness of a flirtatious act.
“…suggesting “you and I should grab coffee sometime” was more successful than “we should grab coffee sometime.” “
Reconceptualizing flirtation as both verbal and non-verbal behavior, Wade examines such behavior through a lens of behavior analysis.
She gives the example of an English-speaking population viewing the statements “You are pretty” and “I think you are pretty” as functionally equivalent but notes they may impact a listener differently.
Wade cites previous research on varying pronouns relating to self and others, which found that the autoclitic function of “you and me” was apparently more successful in prolonging conversation and potentially leading to setting a first date as compared to using “we.”
In other words, she explains that suggesting “you and I should grab coffee sometime” was more successful than “we should grab coffee sometime.”
Do women and men view flirting differently?
Wade notes that researchers using scripts of flirtatious acts report that women are more likely to describe flirtation as a method of “having fun” or maintaining a relationship, while men view flirtation as “sex-directed.” Yet we know those goals do not always characterize the way (or reason) people interact with potential partners.
Whether awkward or articulate, romantic interest is expressed through authentic interest, period.
Happy, healthy relationships are often just that simple, often between two people that have no idea how to “flirt” but just know they love being together.
