• Today, August 8, is Dying to Know Day. People of all ages and stages of life are asked to prioritise compassionate conversations around the reality of death and dying.
• About 70% of deaths in Australia are expected.
• While 90% of adults say that talking to their loved ones about their end-of-life wishes is important, only 27% have actually had these conversations.
• Over 70% of Australians want to die at home, but only 14% actually do as it takes proactive planning to help to die at home.
• 52% of Australians don’t have a valid will in place.
• Australians want to talk about death more, with 90% of adults agreeing that talking to loved ones about their end-of-life wishes is important
HOW do you want to die? Is that one of the hardest questions you will ever ask yourself? How do you want to go? How do you want to be remembered? Do you want a funeral? Where do you want a funeral/farewell service? Do you want to be cremated? Or buried in the ground? Got songs to send you off?
Maybe today is the day you ask a loved one these questions?
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Organizing a wedding is a bit like organizing a funeral. With a wedding, however, you usually have the luxury of time – maybe 12 months to organize The Big Day. Places need to be booked, words for the service organized, clothes to be bought and emotions to be processed. (With hundred more things to do too.)
With a funeral you can have less than a week to organize a similarly-important life event … and the guest of honour is not going to be able to help.
I know this experience because I organized my mother’s funeral in March this year, in Dublin (after flying in from Australia). My mother died on a Tuesday morning, we had the funeral on the Friday morning, buried her that afternoon. We had the farewell in the pub across the road from the cemetery. Sounds simple? It wasn’t.
Despite being 94 years old, nobody had sat down with my mother to talk about What Happen Next? Most of us believed my mother would pass over when she was good and ready (probably 100) – and the Grim Reaper would just have to wait for her. We believed we had plenty of time to talk about death.
However, pneumonia decided her time on this earth was up.
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Where did my mother want to have her funeral (she was a Catholic)? Did she want to be buried? Cremated? Big wooden casket? How should we recall her life in words and photos?
A lot of the decisions fell to me. I cleared as many of the choices as I could with my siblings, I ran ideas and thoughts past my ever-supporting cousins … and borrowed a pair of black pants from my brother when it came time for me to deliver my mother’s eulogy.
I spoke those words of farewell – my words (with help from my partner), not my mother’s – to our extended family and friends who had come to say farewell in our local church in Dublin. (The service was also livestreamed on the internet.)
A nagging doubt lingered: Was this what my mother would have wanted? Were there anything she wanted to tell us, her children. Did she have any words of comfort for her siblings? Did we make the right decision in opting for a wicker-work casket?
Her abiding remark in those final years – as we talked about home care, or a nursing home – was a simple: “I will leave this house in a box!”. After she died, we organized for the funeral directors to bring my mother home from the hospital, in her casket, for her wake … her last night at her home of six-plus decades.
And, as my mother requested, the next morning she left her house in a box. For her funeral. For her burial.
A nagging doubt lingered: Was this what my mother would have wanted? Were there anything she wanted to tell us, her children. Did she have any words of comfort for her siblings? Did we make the right decision in opting for a wicker-work casket?
***
My mother’s death was not my first encounter with end-of-life decisions.
In 2016, my wife, Anna, was in the final months of her Cancer Journey. We repeatedly raised the question with her: “What happens if you die?” Anna had no plans to die and would bat away the question. However, we managed to get a will organized, enduring power of attorney sorted … all done “Just in case something happens…”
Anna’s choice of funeral mass location? “Dublin. Of course, that would mean I would have to die in Ireland” she told us.
As per Anna’s wishes there were “No flowers” but that people should donate to the local hospice. Mourners were asked to “Dress brightly” and “To Celebrate”. Anna was cremated in a cardboard coffin … as she requested.
Half of Anna’s ashes are interned in Australia, the other half with her family plot in Ireland. And yes, there was a service for Anna in her choice of church in Dublin. All of these things were as per Anna’s wishes.
Having power of attorney over Anna helped before (and after) she died. It allowed me to tie up loose ends – close bank accounts, talk to Centrelink and clear dozens of bureaucratic hurdles.
If Anna felt so inclined, she could have written her own eulogy, she might have picked out her favourite songs for the funeral, or written some words of comfort for the people she was leaving behind.
It was difficult having that What Happen Next conversation with Anna, we (her family) would slip in various innocuous funeral-related question into everyday conversations … and remember Anna’s answer.
In my opinion, The Death Conversation is easier when the question might be academic (“Years away…”) rather than when it is immediate.
***
Soon after Anna died, and as part of my Grieving process, I started My Death Book. This lists what I want done with my body when I die. The notebook also lists (among other things) my bank accounts, my superannuation fund details and passwords to my computer.
I haven’t got to the stage of organizing a Spotify playlist for my funeral, nor do I have 120 photos needed for the Powerpoint slide show of my life (I still am whittling down the 560 images I picked). And I still need to write my own eulogy …. and boy would I like to be there to see the reaction when that document is read out.
***
Which brings me to the point of this story, The Groundswell Project Australia, is calling on people to ‘get dead set’ around death and dying as part of its annual Dying to Know campaign.
This year, the national campaign asks people of all ages and stages of life to prioritise compassionate
conversations and around the reality of death and dying – because it’s going to happen to us all.
It outlines simple steps people can take around end-of-life planning, which is personal and unique to everyone.
The COVID-19 pandemic has changed how we live, die and grieve. Early studies suggest that people in Australia who lost a loved one during the COVID pandemic (from any cause) are experiencing more grief, anxiety and depression than before the pandemic.
Research shows there is a risk that the support received by Australians dealing with death and dying is less than what is needed.
The Dying to Know campaign (which culminates on Dying to Know Day today, August 8) helps bridge this gap by improving death literacy and positivity in individuals, communities, healthcare workers and other professionals through local and community events.
Death literacy is the knowledge, compassion and practical skills that enable supportive action and active decision-making around someone’s end-of-life choices.
To ‘get dead set’ is to prepare for the unique circumstances every person will face at the end of their life.
The campaign invites Australians to overcome their fears or discomfort around death and take action on end-of-life planning in a way that is right for them.
The benefits of planning for end-of-life are clear in the wake of necessary pandemic restrictions -which impacted people’s ability to see dying loved ones, arrange or attend important rituals like funerals and see friends and family for support.
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By being prepared for end-of-life, Australians can:
• Have a ‘good’ death, which reflects what mattered in their life.
• Have conversations to ease the anguish of loved ones through the distress, uncertainty, and finality of death.
• Leave a positive legacy that is consistent with how we want to be remembered.
• Have their lives celebrated/remembered the way they choose.
Cherelle Martin, Dying to Know Campaign Manager at The Groundswell Project Australia, says that not talking about death and dying is a significant obstacle to improving the how we live and die through end-of-life planning.
“Death is often over-medicalised and institutionalised. Our superstitions, fears, discomfort and lack of knowledge about dying affect our approach to end-of-life. However, we know that Australians think conversations about death are important,” said Cherelle.
“People often feel ill equipped to act or start a conversation. The risk here for us all is that we do not have the knowledge or understanding around how to best support a loved one who is dying, caring or grieving. Sadly, this can mean that end- of-life experiences are not aligned with an individual’s values or wishes.”
“By normalising conversations around death and dying, Australians can ‘get dead set’. The pandemic has brought death and dying. Our mortality is a part of our collective consciousness like never before. This is an opportunity to continue to strengthen our collective approach to these important matters.”
Three ways Australians can ‘get dead set’:
1: Capture your choices in writing. Like a will, a Substitute Decision Maker (a nominated person) can offer guidance on your social media or organ donation. These could be documents, or as simple as a text or scribble on a serviette to start.
2: Have conversations with loved ones and others so they understand your wishes – and you understand theirs.
3: Prepare your send-off. Share what you want it to look like so you can be celebrated and remembered in line with your wishes.
People are also encouraged to join the conversation and share their experience via social media using the hashtag #GetDeadSet and #DyingToKnowDay. Don’t forget to tag @D2KDay on Facebook and Instagram.
https://www.dyingtoknowday.com/step-1
The Groundswell Project Australia’s vision is for communities to help us live, grieve and die in line with our values. The not-for-profit organisation aims to socialise death by encouraging Australians to bring to life conversations and actions to help shift the way Australians think about death and plan for their end-of-life.
