{"id":79,"date":"2022-04-30T09:45:04","date_gmt":"2022-04-30T09:45:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=79"},"modified":"2022-09-20T00:26:14","modified_gmt":"2022-09-20T00:26:14","slug":"diary-of-a-grieving-husband-episode-12","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=79","title":{"rendered":"Episode 13: Mixing the messages"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

These entries begin shortly after Anna\u2019s funeral and cremation in July 2016. They are based on text messages, email and journal entries.<\/strong> Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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October 6, 2016:<\/strong> The fact that my mind wakes me to \u2013 urging me to write \u2013 is a good sign. But three times in the past two months I\u2019ve found myself at the keyboard at 4.30am determined to frame what has been happening since July. And three times I have been reduced to tears after three sentences and shut the computer down.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Starting the day crying is not a good thing. It saps me of energy, leaves me flat and looking for chocolate with breakfast. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Male Psychologist reckons my Non-Grief Subconscious Brain is deliberately make me do things that I will enjoy and get pleasure from … in order to protect me from Grief Monster that is currently behind bars in my mind.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I can deal with Grief Monster (ie my grief emotions) when it is asleep? Or drunk? Or not looking? I suspect it will be a combination of all those things. I think the best approach might be a late-night session at the keyboard with a nice cheeseboard, a large glass with a bottle of red wine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There have been many times over the past four months when I\u2019ve really wanted to get drunk \u2013 to blot out the pain and the loss. So far that has only happened once \u2013 at the Wake for Anna in early August. <\/p>\n\n\n

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Since mid-August I\u2019ve been dry Monday to Friday and keeping my five standard measures of alcohol for the weekend. So that means I can have a six-pack of light beer, and one glass of red wine on a Sunday night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How am I finding it? Tough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tried non-alcohol shiraz. It was dreadful, sweet \u2013 like cordial. I have three kinds of beer in the house. Heavy beer (leftover from the funeral) \u2013 which is 1.5 standard drinks. Light beer \u2013 0.8 standard drinks, and non-alcoholic beer \u2013 0.0 standard drinks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The non-alcohol beer is fine \u2026 as a thirst quencher and is fine with meals. But \u2026. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It reminds me of that joke:  A doctor tells a worried patient to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop eating fatty foods, stop taking sugar. Dumbfounded the patient replies: \u201cThen will I live to 100?\u201d The doctor shakes his head and tells the patient: \u201cNope \u2026 it will feel like you\u2019ve lived to 100\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I do have a glass of red wine now, there is glass of soda water beside it. I sip the red wine, next time sip the soda water. Does it work? Yes. Does it make me feel better? Nope. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do the evenings seem long? Yep. Do I sleep better? Yes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Do I miss drinking red wine, eating cheese and shouting at the rugby game on the TV? You betcha.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, why the lack of alcohol? My GP, Dr K, thinks there might be something wrong awry with my liver. Nothing to be concerned about. But she wants to keep an eye on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Last week Son spotted a photo of Anna in Ireland taken the previous year. \u201cDid you know Mum was dying and you decided to give her one last trip to say goodbye?\u201d he asked. (Anna had gone to Ireland to attend a wedding and to see her family.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was the first time in weeks that Son had raised Anna.  I told him \u201cNo\u201d. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Really it is a license to go mad (with grief). To cry and wail. To work on my grief. To recover and re-discover who I am and what I want out of life.<\/strong><\/p>Conal Healy, Grief Survivor<\/strong><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAs far as we were concerned\u201d I told him \u201cMum was in the clear. The breast cancer treatment wasn\u2019t really needed. In hindsight, she probably didn\u2019t need it. When they found the brain cancers in January it came as a complete shock to the both of us.\u201d And the conversation went from there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll be honest, I don\u2019t know what caused Anna\u2019s death. The death cert blamed the lung cancer. Maybe some of the cancers cells escaped the lungs and ended up in her her brain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To go back to May, the two tumors they found (in Anna’s brain) in January had dissolved. The new tumor that they spotted in May should have disappeared after the radiotherapy in June. Anna should have been in there clear. She wasn\u2019t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Almost immediately after that final radiotherapy she started to get worse. There might been a burst blood vessel in her brain? One of the blood clots in her lung – or leg \u2013 might have broken off and made its way to her brain? A new tumor might have developed?  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that was what killed her? I don\u2019t know. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Does it keep me awake at night? No. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Does it change anything? No. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About a month after Anna\u2019s death, I started drawing up arrangements \u2013 in case I died suddenly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It listed where I wanted the service, what kind of coffin I wanted (cardboard) and the music I wanted played (Sex Pistols, Pixies, Talking Heads). My Daughter knows where to find these arrangements. I know how horrible a death can be for the survivors \u2026 and I wanted to ease some of the pain associated with my passing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Whenever that will be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What else can I tell you? We found the Holy Grail last week. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the months before she died, Anna went looking for her favourite recipe book. This book contained the recipe for her family-famous Christmas pudding. Anna swore she had lent the book to somebody but never got around to the getting that book back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Anna died, we feared we had lost Anna\u2019s Christmas Pudding recipe to history. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was clearing out the garage I emptied a few boxes and lo and behold, there was the book. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And at the back was her hand-written notes for three different Christmas Puddings. So we are going to try and re-create the puddings. (Seeing Anna\u2019s handwriting again, did make me cry.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What happens now? The 2016 Plan is nearly over. What next? The Original 2016 Plan was for Son to complete his upcoming HSC exams, move out to go to uni and for Anna and Conal to become Empty Nesters, this would allow us to re-connect as a couple. Both of us would be working, we would have two incomes – so we could travel and enjoy life. That was the Original 2016 Plan. Again, what happens now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, I am expecting Anna to be busy over the next few weeks, looking over the shoulder of various Exam Markers, making sure Son gets a good HSC Score. Then I expect her to be loitering around various university departments making sure Son gets into a good course in a good university. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, after all the trouble Anna has put us ALL through in 2016 \u2026 it is the least she could do. And I am holding onto ashes \u2013 literally \u2013 until she comes up with the goods. \ud83d\ude42 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To change the subject I did a bit of research and discovered \u2013 according the Catholic Church \u2013 that I should mourn Anna for one year and one day. I\u2019ve decided to follow that. It will take me that long to rebuild my mind, my psyche. My ego and Id. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Really it is a license to go mad (with grief). To cry and wail. To work on my grief. To recover and re-discover who I am and what I want out of life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Male Psychologist reckons I\u2019ve got another 30 years in front of me. He asked me would I consider leaving my home in Tweed Heads. \u201cAnna isn\u2019t here. Nothing to stop you moving away\u201d he said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I looked at him and said: \u201cIf you are from Ireland, then Tweed Heads is paradise. Why would I leave?\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have been giving the future some thought. I\u2019ve thought about doing a uni course next year. Maybe do a night course at the local technical college. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My photos are picking up awards and recognition from fellow Instagrammer \u2013 apparently people like the weird and strange photos that I take.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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How long does grief last?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is no set timetable for grief. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may start to feel better in 6 to 8 weeks, but the whole process can last anywhere from six months to four years. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may start to feel better in small ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It will start to get a little easier to get up in the morning, or maybe you’ll have more energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– familydoctor.org<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do I miss drinking red wine, eating cheese and shouting at the rugby game on the TV? You betcha.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[10,46,11,22,9,15,41],"class_list":{"0":"post-79","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-diary-of-a-grieving-husband","7":"tag-cancer","8":"tag-depression","9":"tag-grief","10":"tag-loss","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-recovery","13":"tag-tears"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=79"}],"version-history":[{"count":16,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1412,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/79\/revisions\/1412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=79"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=79"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=79"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}