{"id":58,"date":"2022-04-30T09:25:35","date_gmt":"2022-04-30T09:25:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=58"},"modified":"2022-07-06T06:05:30","modified_gmt":"2022-07-06T06:05:30","slug":"diary-of-a-grieving-husbandepisode-5-dreams-of-love-lost","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=58","title":{"rendered":"Episode 6: Dreams of love lost"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

These entries begin two days after Anna\u2019s funeral and cremation in June 2016.<\/strong> They are based on text messages, email and journal entries written at the time<\/strong>. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.<\/strong><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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HOLDING ON TO LIFE:<\/strong> Anna’s hand gripping Conal’s for one last time.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

August 8, 2016: <\/strong>Last week was mainly no-cry days. They come quick and generally go quick. Sometimes the tears well up … but go no further. Sometimes it is a cry that lasts for 30 seconds and fades. They are nothing like those agonizing cries of late June and early July.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have photos of Anna on the corkboard near the kitchen so I see her smiling at me as I walk past.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is in the evenings I feel the loss, the emptiness. I try to watch something meaningless on TV, something to switch off to. Something to numb my mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am trying to avoid alcohol, and am trying to get exercise too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I just force myself to keep going. I couldn\u2019t face the office – so I work from home. It means I am stuck here for most of the day. Most of the week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things are getting better. Sometimes I get hit from out of the blue and I get upset. For example, I got a notice that Anna\u2019s driving license was suspended because she missed a diabetes-related medical in June. I sorted that problem this week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I got a statement for $650 for the home help organisation who sent a carer around to the house in mid-June to make contact with us … but who only stayed for three minutes. And did nothing and walked away from Anna and myself after talking to her boss. Hmmmmm, nice money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(We were both suffering from colds and the home help carer didn’t want her next client to catch what we had. Understandably so.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Things are getting better. Sometimes I get hit from out of the blue and I get upset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 9:<\/strong> I feel better mentally after the wake for Anna on Saturday (See Episode 5: The Sun Still Came Up<\/strong>) . Felt like I had passed a milestone. I did have a few well ups (of tears), but it went no further.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is in the evenings I<\/strong> feel the loss, the emptiness. I try to watch something meaningless on Tv, something to switch off to. Something to numb my mind.<\/strong><\/p>Conal Healy, Grief Survivor<\/strong><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Have started a \u201chopes and dreams\u201d journal journal, thoughts that have been lurking for years at the back of my mind are coming out \u2026and being written down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 11: <\/strong>I was lying in bed this morning, more asleep than awake. Dreamily I realized the bed was empty. \u201cAnna must be downstairs, making cups of tea for us\u201d I thought to myself. My ears tuned to hear Anna make the tea, but there was nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n

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No humming. No cups being filled. Silence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then the dream sleep faded. I woke up and realized Anna was not downstairs making tea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was gone. I was sad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 12:<\/strong> \u00a0I returned to my desk at work for the first time in months. My desk calendar still said January. There was that moment, in January when I turned off my work PC and headed out the door to go on holiday …. well, it seemed like five or six lifetimes ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So much has happened since then. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is now over two months since Anna\u2019s funeral.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, those words stopped me in my tracks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I typed that sentence and could go no further. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is how I deal with the loss. I can\u2019t address the subject directly \u2013 that is too painful, even now. \u00a0I can think, and write, around her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

About Anna. But – there I go again – writing those four simple letters has reduced me to tears. Again. This is now a two-cry week.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 Anyway, moving on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Going back work wasn\u2019t big and dramatic. I had no problem, no anxiety about going there. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The fact I was suffering from flu didn\u2019t help matters.\u00a0 I was welcomed back, there was no celebration, no morning tea.\u00a0 People \u2013 the few people who still work there \u2013 greeted me. And I went to work at my old desk and saw the desk calendar stuck on January.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main reason it took this long to get back to the office was more related to my domestic situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two months ago (July) I was a blubbering mess most days. A month ago I was feeling very anti-social, it was as though all my Sensitivity Filters had been switched off and I could say anything to anybody and not give a fuck how they reacted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In those days my eyes could project laser bolts of sadness that could wound people. I was living in my own personal world of pain. But since then I\u2019ve learned to cope more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main reason I didn\u2019t want to go back to the office was simple \u2013 working from home meant I could do my household chores. I\u2019d throw my clothes washing into the machine when I started work at 8.30am. Hang them out on the line at Morning tea (10.30am).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 By lunch time the kitchen would be clean from breakfast, I\u2019d have lunch and throw something into the slow cooker for dinner that evening. I was there to welcome Son home from school (3.30pm) and finish work at 5pm and take the clothes off the line. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Working from office yesterday meant I came home at 5pm \u2013 and still had to tidy the kitchen from breakfast and cook dinner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am learning to adjust. After 30 years of sleeping at the side of the bed, my body as adjusted to sleeping in the centre of the mattress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

 I am slowly packing stuff away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, I am storing\/donating\/throwing out the books Anna used for her degree. But keeping her university notes. Her clothes, I\u2019ve donated to charity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve also donated a lot of my clothes too.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shirts I will never wear again. Really it has been a big Spring Clean.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve lost interest in watch TV, but I\u2019ve started to read books again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The world seems less brighter now. My life is so much emptier now. It also feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I still have plenty to live for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

August 16:<\/strong> Debating about cutting my hair\/beard. Decide not to bother.<\/p>\n\n\n

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GRIEF:<\/strong> Did you know? <\/strong>One loss usually triggers a whole lot more. Think of it like a jigsaw puzzle \u2013 when one piece goes missing the whole puzzle is affected and isn\u2019t held together anymore. It doesn\u2019t look the same anymore. So, when one piece of your life is changed or is \u201clost\u201d, other pieces like companionship, finances, friendships, holidays, mealtimes, outings, family gatherings, daily routines, and a whole lot more\u2026 all change too. Learning to adapt to these changes is sometimes called \u2018grief work\u2019 \u2013 and only you can do this work for yourself.  www.mygriefassist.com.au<\/strong><\/pre>\n\n\n\n
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Contact: wisdomwithwhiskers@gmail.com<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n
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<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dreamily I realized the bed was empty. \u201cAnna must be downstairs, making cups of tea for us\u201d I thought to myself. My ears tuned to hear Anna make the tea, but there was nothing. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[8,46,11,22,9,16,15,41],"class_list":{"0":"post-58","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","6":"category-diary-of-a-grieving-husband","7":"tag-counselling","8":"tag-depression","9":"tag-grief","10":"tag-loss","11":"tag-mental-health","12":"tag-pain","13":"tag-recovery","14":"tag-tears"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=58"}],"version-history":[{"count":27,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1187,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/58\/revisions\/1187"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=58"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=58"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=58"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}