{"id":2410,"date":"2023-06-23T05:14:38","date_gmt":"2023-06-23T05:14:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=2410"},"modified":"2024-02-06T00:25:48","modified_gmt":"2024-02-06T00:25:48","slug":"going-back-should-you-date-your-ex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=2410","title":{"rendered":"GOING BACK: Should you date your Ex- ?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

WEEKEND WISDOM<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should you ever go back? Sometimes after a breakup, the person you left behind looks more appealing. Seeing that significant other dating again and happy might just re-spark your interest. How do you to rekindle a relationship, Barbara Field looks at the tricky subject.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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GOOD TIMES? <\/strong>Sometimes after a breakup, the person you left behind can look more appealing. <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

By Barbara Field  <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are many reasons why you may want to revisit a former relationship. Perhaps you\u2019re seeing your ex- in a different light or circumstances have changed in your own life. Maybe you moved back to your hometown and want to check out a former crush. Maybe you\u2019ve grown and realize that your last love was a keeper after all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or for some of you, perhaps you are in a long-term marriage that is worth reviving and you just need pointers on how to jumpstart it. Either way, you’re looking to rekindle those special feelings between the both of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s what to keep in mind if you desire to rekindle a relationship with someone you were fond of, dated, lived with or were married to before. And, for those of you currently hanging in there with a challenging relationship but are still committed to it, here\u2019s how to get the relationship back on track.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Restarting a Previous Relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes after a breakup, the person you left behind looks more appealing. Seeing that significant other dating again and happy might just re-spark your interest. Maybe you’re be swept up in remembrances of the fun times, happy vacations, and loving years. The terrible arguments and differing paths you were both headed in don\u2019t take center stage in those memories. You might just be romanticizing your time together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Consider the Reasons You Split Up<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, ask yourself why you both broke up. Was it your decision or theirs? What was the reason for calling it quits? According to Dr. Amy Keller, PsyD, MFT, \u201cIf you split up for seemingly good reasons (domestic violence, substance abuse, or chronic infidelity) ask yourself if you really want to throw yourself back in the mix?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our emotions help us make decisions and thrive but they also can take over our clear-sighted thinking. Clearly if the other person had complicated issues that weren\u2019t addressed, you want to be wary about why you want to get back together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keller cautions, \u201cJust because you miss someone doesn’t mean that you are meant to be with them. This is how memory works with most people \u2014 we remember the good and the bad gets fuzzier in the distance.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask Yourself If You Think the Relationship Can Actually Work<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What if you\u2019re questioning their potential? Maybe your love interest makes a good living, comes from a good family or is a good parent, and is overall a decent and kind human being. On the other hand, maybe they’re also a workaholic who doesn\u2019t keep their promises. Are you hanging on to the hope this person will change when they don\u2019t want to change?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Make sure you\u2019re realistically seeing this special person for who they are right now and not seeing them through rose-colored lenses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Also, if you find yourself second guessing yourself and asking \u201cif, then\u201d questions, it\u2019s time to look at your previous relationship objectively. As Keller reminds, see if you\u2019re doubting yourself. Are you asking, “If I had only done more of something (e.g., been more patient, done more therapy etc.), then would we still be together?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keller says it’s important to remember that these thoughts are indicative of the bargaining stage. This is where you might be blaming yourself or wishing you did or didn’t do something, but it’s possible none of that would have changed the outcome of your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Rather than allow our analytic minds to attempt to solve the problem of having pain, loss, and emptiness, per the above, Keller suggests we transform the process by thinking about what she calls “pain with a purpose.\u201d The idea is to \u201cuse the pain, learn from the past, and let it pass.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What If Your Heart Hurts?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your heart aches for your ex, you may think it\u2019s true love and meant to be. Though our hearts may be hurting, our brains are very much involved in our romantic affairs. Based on research about love, the brain is busily working away through hormones and neurotransmitters when it comes to sex, romance and attachment at various stages of a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You might enlist your brain in positive, future thinking and put your attention less on the past or present and instead on what you desire in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Think about what kind of relationship you want to build together? How will you know you have this kind of relationship? Is it possible to create something long-lasting and solid with this particular person?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Creating a Healthy Dynamic<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, you don\u2019t want to cut ties despite being broken up, separated, or divorced. Or, maybe you\u2019re currently remaining in a relationship that has difficulties. Maybe it\u2019s a long-term marriage, let\u2019s say, but you want to find ways to revitalize it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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HAVE THEY CHANGED?<\/strong> Make sure you\u2019re realistically seeing this special person for who they are right now and not seeing them through rose-colored lenses.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

No matter the situation, you’re interested in mending what was rickety in the relationship and create something healthier together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationship and intimacy expert, Alexandra Stockwell, MD says, \u201cWhen relationships end, it is usually for a good reason (even if one or both parties don\u2019t want it in the moment).\u201d She finds the main problem with restarting a relationship is the danger that people go back to an unhealthy and unproductive dynamic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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The only time to consider rekindling a relationship is when both people have grown in significant ways, which means that the same people can now create a new relationship dynamic.<\/p>\n\u2014 ANDREA STOCKWELL, MD<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

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How to Create a Healthier Dynamic<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ponder if you both desire the same things in life and have the same values. If you both do, then you can both take small steps as they lead to big changes. Besides fighting better \u2014 yes, that\u2019s really a thing \u2014 you can also rekindle a relationship by remembering to be kind and giving despite the strife and rocky road.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, surprise your loved one with little things. This could be as simple as making eye contact to show respect, sending a provocative text to them at work to add sizzle to your relationship or offering to run an errand you know your sweetheart doesn\u2019t enjoy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Often relationships suffer because we take someone for granted and get caught up in our work or families. Sometimes we forget to nurture our loved one or ourselves while in the relationship. Take the time to recharge and and devote some time to self-care. Then, make your relationship a priority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Other Ways to Enliven and Restart A Relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s some other ways to strengthen and jumpstart a former or current relationship:<\/p>\n\n\n\n