{"id":198,"date":"2022-05-18T10:14:15","date_gmt":"2022-05-18T10:14:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=198"},"modified":"2026-03-20T04:26:59","modified_gmt":"2026-03-20T04:26:59","slug":"episode-1-one-memory-away-from-tears","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/?p=198","title":{"rendered":"Episode 1: One memory away from tears"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

These entries begin two days after Anna\u2019s funeral and cremation in June 2016.<\/strong> They are based on text messages, email and journal entries written at the time<\/strong>. Anna and Conal had been together since 1978.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"
BROKEN: <\/strong>What do you do when your world is shattered?<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

THE kitchen was tidy. The washing on the line. The medicine box was put away. The vacuuming done. The housework complete. It was 9.30am on a Tuesday on there was nothing else to be done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was standing in the lounge room. Glued to the spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“What do I do now?” I said to nobody in particular.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then I broke down and started to cry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Everything is done. There is nothing else to be done.” I wailed through tears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few days earlier I had the funeral for Anna. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was gone. Anna was dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I was left in an empty house. Alone. With the day\u2019s chores complete.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“What do I do now?” I asked again. And slumped down on the couch, a blubbering mess. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The silence enveloped me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This was shaping up to be another six-cry day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

***<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 6, 2016:<\/strong>  The world seems opaque. Washed out. The house feels empty. I never realised how much of it was filled by Anna. My beautiful Anna (Am crying). I haven\u2019t been able to write in my journal. Not sure why. I can\u2019t find the courage? I can\u2019t find the inclination? Yesterday I resolved to write events down, to process what has happened. I found myself procrastinating. I could feel the start of a panic attack. But I did it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I decided to sort Anna\u2019s clothes and get them ready to go. Got to keep busy. Don\u2019t feel like writing. Don\u2019t feel like looking at the photos. <\/strong>Can\u2019t concentrate for long. Am listless. Loud noises annoy me. Oh well. Life goes on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 7:<\/strong>  Dropped off bags of Anna\u2019s clothes to Vinnies. God help me if she ever comes back \u2026 I\u2019ll have to buy her a whole new wardrobe. I move my clothes into the dresser in our room. Our Room? It\u2019s now my room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

\u201cThis morning I am continuing to live. I go through the chores. I clean, tidy and cook breakfast. Then I stop. And the tears come back. I can feel the weight descending on my shoulders. I cry.<\/strong><\/p>\nConal Healy, Grief Survivor<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

This morning I am continuing to live. I go through the chores. I clean, tidy and cook breakfast. Then I stop. Stand. And the tears come back. I can feel the weight descending on my shoulders. I cry. Catch my breath. Dry my face. Carry on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am one song away from crying. One memory away from tears<\/a>. I have to really concentrate – otherwise I drift away into a dream world of emptiness. (I have to doubly aware when I am driving the car.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My Daughter has caught be doing this. She sees the tears and will say \u201cRemember to breathe\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or \u201cPut up you hand if you want a hug\u201d. Sometimes I am so choked up that I have to resort to texting to communicate to her \u2026 when she is on the opposite side of the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or I change the subject and normality is resumed. Most days we get out of the house for a few hours. We walk by the ocean. We have cake and coffee out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I haven\u2019t had a drink in three days.  I emailed my boss about returning to work. I will be off next week and go back for three-days for two weeks and be back full time by the end of August. It is a plan.  <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

July 8 :<\/strong>  I lose the car in the local shopping centre, I am suffering from  Grief Fog (also known as Brain Fog).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>
\n

What is Grief Fog?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grief can cause confusion, forgetfulness, anxiety, and a lack of concentration it is called \u201cBrain Fog.\u201d  The fog and the mental confusion are symptoms of extreme stress and grief.  <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to copefoundation.org: \u201cGrief causes brain fog, because not only are you sad and missing the person you\u2019ve lost, but your brain is preoccupied by the \u201cwhat if\u201d and \u201cif only\u201d thoughts that are a normal and natural reaction to loss.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

www.copefoundation.org<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

\n
Want to talk about this? Email: wisdomwithwhiskers@gmail.com<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A week earlier I had buried Anna.
\nShe was gone. Anna was dead.
\nNow I was left in an empty house. Alone. With the day\u2019s chores complete.
\n“What do I do now?” I asked again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3358,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":true,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[43,11,22,42,41],"class_list":{"0":"post-198","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-diary-of-a-grieving-husband","8":"tag-chores","9":"tag-grief","10":"tag-loss","11":"tag-normal","12":"tag-tears"},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=198"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3413,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions\/3413"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3358"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wisdomwithwhiskers.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}