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By Edy Nathan<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n THE whole tenor of Father\u2019s Day seems to be about ideals\u2014honoring the perfect father who\u2019s been there for life\u2019s tribulations and stages. It\u2019s true, as you age, so does your father; it\u2019s aging in tandem. The role of the patriarch is powerful. The father archetype is one we all understand as it shows up in different motifs in literature, art, and mythology. He is often characterized in such roles as the king, the devil, the caretaker, and the fixer. Do you recognize your father in any of these roles? You see, the father plays an important part within the psychology of who we are and who we become. Regardless of age or gender, the father\u2019s role is potent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ideally, your father fills emotional needs to help you become anchored in life. It is a role embedded in how you learn and grow, and live to a ripe, old age.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In reality, not all of us get to experience the idyllic picture of that father. When this happens, you meet a deep grief and a yearning for the \u201cwished\u201d for father. Grief can run deep as we watch others, creating a narrative in the mind of the self, whether true or not, depicting a better and more loving relationship with their father than the one you had with yours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Healing is not forgetting. It is a choice to heal. Past trauma can offer illumination and insights into emotions that need to be expressed.<\/strong><\/p>By Edy Nathan<\/strong><\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n If your dad has passed away, it can be difficult to watch others honor their dad at the backyard barbecue or shared interest outing. Your father may have impacted the life choices you made; from partnering to playing to your chosen profession. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A byproduct of that impact is in how you ultimately grieve and how you live after his death. Of course, the emotional pain of loss can hit hard on Father\u2019s Day, yet grief isn\u2019t self-selecting when it takes up residence, affecting your mental and spiritual wellbeing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You might be surprised at how capable you are in facing grief, being in its grip, and transforming because of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At times, with bad blood between father and child, especially if Dad is alive, it\u2019s difficult to shake the prickly and distant remnants of hurt. It doesn\u2019t matter that this is a Hallmark holiday, there\u2019s still a sting to the day. You might even be struggling to reconcile memories of a strained relationship with a not-so-ideal dad with the perfect holiday others seem to be experiencing. Whatever the reason, it\u2019s possible to feel an acute sense of orphanhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If Your Father Has Recently (Or Not-So-Recently) Died<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To grieve is to know you\u2019ve loved. Other than the loss of a child, losing a parent is one of the most painful experiences you can have. How you navigate through that grief is completely personal\u2014it doesn\u2019t need to take the shape of anyone else\u2019s grief. Actually, it can\u2019t and it won\u2019t. It belongs completely to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether you had your father by your side last Father\u2019s Day, have been missing him for many years, or rarely spent Father\u2019s Day with him, honor your emotional and spiritual needs by listening to the internal voices we all have. Here are a few things to keep in mind as the day approaches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Be kind to yourself. This is not the time to avoid your feelings or play the part of everyone\u2019s resilient hero. It is a time to be a hero to yourself. That includes getting enough sleep, eating well, getting some exercise, and taking care of your soul by listening and breathing. Don\u2019t forget to breathe!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Plan for the day. If you know this will be a difficult day for you, don\u2019t ignore the occasion. Even if you think you might be OK on Father\u2019s Day, don\u2019t risk it. Reach out to family and friends so you don\u2019t have to feel alone. If that is not normally how you do things, maybe your father would want you to take this chance to do things differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Embrace joyful memories. If you are able to look at pictures of your father, bring out a couple that fill you with joy. Engage in his favorite activity or wear a color he liked. Tell a story that reflects what he meant to you. Even if it was a difficult relationship. The storyline about that guy, regardless if he was your hero or a prick, offers memories coming alive and can bring a certain grace to the grief experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Address the difficulties in your relationship. Most father-child relationships have had their good points and bad points. Think about what your relationship with this imperfect human being taught you. How those imperfections cause you to live differently may be a great gift. Healing is not forgetting. It is a choice to heal. Past trauma can offer illumination and insights into emotions that need to be expressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Write letters to your father. Yes, write. Tell your dad about what\u2019s been going on in your life or simply begin a new ritual of making a Father\u2019s Day card for him. These small moves can soothe a grieving heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When Your Father Didn\u2019t Play the Role That You Needed<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Grief can be complicated. The relationship between a father and child and a grown adult child is often complex. Father\u2019s Day is especially hard for those whose fathers have had a negative impact on their lives. If your father was loving and modeled behavior worth emulating, you received a great gift. If your father was not present for you or wasn\u2019t present the way you needed him to be, lacking integrity, purpose, or the ability to love, then Father\u2019s Day may make you feel an intense loss, filled with memories of abandonment, or neglect, or make you feel nauseous. (That\u2019s how the relationship with my dad could make me feel.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The memories can make old pain resurface, burning deep in your heart, often feeling as if the wound is re-opening every time. This is information for you. When wounds fester, they are telling you to tend to them, nurse them, so they don\u2019t continue to open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Those feelings represented by the festering wound are more complex, especially if you are grieving a father who is still technically alive. Because there is sometimes this little gremlin within you, saying, thinking, believing, maybe\u2014 maybe\u2014 maybe I can have a different relationship with my dad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Often it helps to change your inner narrative about your trauma and ultimately, your grief. Ask yourself (or better yet, write about):<\/p>\n\n\n\n What wounds do you carry in your soul that were caused by the relationship with your father?<\/p>\n\n\n\n How did you overcome the wounds?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n What did you learn from the wounds?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Did you have a chance to change the relationship with your father?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Is there something in the way that you choose to live that can help your spirit to heal? Perhaps it is merely to remember that fathers may not have had the skill set needed to parent, or were trauma\/grief survivors themselves and had never worked it out. As we mature, so do the memories, so does understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n